To Float

I feel adrift today, with many things that need to be done and many things I want to do.  They all sit at the edge of my attention waiting to see where I will put my focus.  The garden with its weeds, which will be there again in a day or two. The house which needs to be vacuumed and given a general wipe down. Preparing something for the neighbor's potluck this afternoon. My husband's business accounts, Christmas presents to knit, soup to make and freeze, friends to text, my book- which is calling me because I am at a "good part," letters to write, the attic to sort through, shifts to schedule at the library.

It is a sunny fall day, the wind is playing the chime by the window, and the dappled shadow of the hemlock outside plays on the wall, time fades when I contemplate.  I could gladly stay in this moment and do nothing.  I guess I can understand my 14-year-old, and what he is going through this 1st month of high school.  His mind is so full of promise.  He is having a hard time focusing on his homework.  And once done, turning it in.  I feel for him.  It is a harsh world for one who lives in books, and his head or someone who is fond of drifting.

So I will try and be a good example and prioritize my day, get busy with doing something.  Oh, to be in a world where I could just float and be.

Evolutionary Games

It's there within my DNA
some gene that says I should have wings
I can feel the itch at night
along the sharpened edges of my shoulder blades.
In my dreams are whispered voices,
barely audible above the screams of silenced mouths
dreams which breathe of knowing.

I wake with pictures etched upon my lids.
All day long while I consume the grayness that's the day,
I blink and see bright wings against the sky,
blink again to wipe them neatly from my mind.

Last night I shed my clothes,
and searched in vain this tight cocoon of breasts
and cunt and legs,
searched for cracks, or ends, or strands to pull,
anything which would unwrap and set  me free.

What is this endless game that's being played
which keeps me hanging on the underside of expectation?





I wrote this poem when I was in my 20's and in college.  I found it in a pile of old papers and thought how true it was for me now in my 50's, but for different reasons.  I really would like to write poetry again, but it takes time, and it takes some focus.  I seem to have too many distractions, or maybe it is just I need practice and the will to try.

A New Beginning

Of course there have been a few new beginnings and quite a few ends in the past years.   It seems that four years have pasted me by with no writing.  I feel it is time to pick it up again and see what it can profit me to write.  Not money per say, but a gain in some form.

I lost my job about a year ago under painful circumstances.  It has been a year of dismay and floundering, of confusion and excitement.  It used to be that writing would bring about some clarity.  So this is my attempt to explore new paths and directions, and maybe to focus on what are the priorities of my new life.  Isn't your 50's a time to explore new things, at least for women.

It is said that when a couple marries, the man feels that his wife will never change but will always be basically the same, and the woman feels that she will be able to change her husband.  But is usually the opposite.  The woman changes as she grows older and the man remains the same.  Not saying that a man cannot change himself, but it is him that makes the changes not her influence on him.  One reason I found my husband so appealing now and when I met him was the fact that he would change himself, once he realized the need or the benefit of it.  He is disciplined in that way.  I on the other hand am not disciplined, and must find my drive to change in some other realm of my psyche.

My goal for many years has been to go back to school and get my Master in Information Science.  I still feel that that is a worthwhile goal.  But it seems out of reach for me here at this time.  Financially and maybe, if I admit it to myself academically.   It has been such a long time since I was in school, and what is required now, may be out of my reach.  Then there is the discipline thing.  It will require some of that.  I have used the excuse for a long time that I was needed by my son and husband, and that I could not take care of them and the household and go to school as well. I have also felt that financially it would break the bank for me to go back to school instead of working.

I have not really worked for a year now.  I did collect unemployment for 10 months, and worked a little as a page for the library.  I am still working as a page, but truly thought that I would have been able to find a job in the system by now.  I misjudged.  The question I have been putting to myself is "what will make me happy?" "What do I enjoy doing and in what field or area?"  Is there actually a job out there like that, and if not, do I have what it takes to create one for myself?

My friends seem to have all sorts of suggestions.  They obviously see me through different eyes, and maybe with more clarity.  My husband who was an English major in college, does not believe that I have what it takes to be a success in the Masters program.  He sees my writing as flawed, and feels that I should take some classes to see if I can improve before I attempt something as difficult as a Masters program.  I, on the other hand have not found the bottom of my depths.  In the past everything that I have attempted I have been successful at in one way or another and have not hit the bottom of my wellspring.  I know that I become inspired by those around me, what I read and what I hear, and that I fill with ideas when I allow myself to listen and read with an open mind.

Years ago, I decided to finish my college degree.  I was short of graduation by 2 credits and had let it sit for 20 years.  I finally took the steps to finish it, because I was thinking it was needed to move forward and get my Masters.   Step #1 was to get my BA, step #2 was to take the GRE so that I could apply for the Masters program.  So much time has pasted and now the UW no longer requires the GRE to apply for the program.  If it is truly what I want, I think I should move toward it.  Talk to some people, explore the opportunities,  find a way to pay for it.  Is knowing what I will do with the Masters important to accomplishing this goal?

Other passions include local sustainable agriculture, food and it's local purveyance.  I would love a Good Food job.  But with a Masters it would be more likely that I could make some money at it.  Dreams of helping Vashon become self-sufficient.  Dreams of creating a space where food could be bartered and shared with a benefit to everyone involved.  It is the wave of the future to move outside that mainstream and to create community around you with food, agriculture and a mind toward sustainability.  What is a smart way to be a part of this movement?   I feel that getting my Masters in Information science could contribute to realizing all of these dreams.

California Dreaming

I've been in California for a couple of days, having fun with my mom and sister.   It has been a time to reconnect and see a new place.  Being way south in the midst of February has been fun.  The atmosphere of this longitude is fantastic.  Not sure I could live without the rains and mists of my Northwest climate or the lack of mountains, but it would still do me for a few months vacation or even half a year.

I Knew it was the New Year But. . .Why so New

   Months have passed.  Many things have occurred that are making a difference in my life.   Beyond the weather, which is cold and wet, there is the financial stress. I had a root canal a couple weeks before I went in for surgery.  The surgery was in November, and the bills are now starting to pour in.  I  cannot imagine what it would be like if I didn't have insurance.  #1.  I might not have had surgery in the first place. (hard to imagine, since it has been so beneficial to me).  #2.  If I had the surgery but didn't have any insurance, I would be paying the bills for a decade.  Amazing.  It doesn't really hit home until you go through something like this.
   Quinn broke his collar bone just a few weeks after my surgery.  We have bills from that as well.  He is not on my insurance, but at least we have a Health Savings Plan set up for him.  Unfortunately, we don't have much money to put into it.  Taxes were due in the middle of the month.  The state has started asking us to pay sales tax monthly instead of quarterly. (I've been late filing these last two months.)
    Money applies such stress on some people.   I have always prided myself in not owing anybody anything.  It's not that way anymore.  I think some of the most stressful times between my husband and myself have to do with money.  My attitude about it and how I move through the world with it and without it have a significant impact on my life.
   Living more simply is a help.  Not going grocery shopping, but trying to be creative with what you have in the freezer, or in the cupboard.  I know many of you have been doing this for years.  I am so impressed with you.  It is a great challenge.  There is always some ingredient that I don't have, that I think would make the dish better.  There is the time factor.  Many more hours spent in the kitchen, beans from dried, chopping veggies, cooking on the weekends, etc.
   We are thinking about changing our childcare options.  Unfortunately, this would have an enormous impact on our 9-year-old.  My son has been going to the same after-school care since he was 5.  It is good for him socially, but it would save us over $200 a month, and would also challenge him to be a little more independent.  Fixing himself a snack after school, getting himself on his homework without adult supervision.   Maybe we can experiment for a month or two and see how it goes.
    I also have expenditures that I have committed to, that really are digging deep.  I signed a year contract with an exercise program.  It is good for me, but right now it seems a little frivolous.  I do feel like I am getting in shape though, and it will be over in August.  Can I lose 20 lbs by then?  Enough of a recap.

The Fall. . . to Fall into Fall.

   It is September already.   School has started.  The rush to can and fill the freezer is underway.  Morning needs a jacket, and the evening starts sooner.  I am totally unprepared for this.

   Fall is my favorite season, but its surprise appearance inoculates me with the sense that it is all moving too fast and before I have a chance to really enjoy it Winter will be here with its gray, rainy skies and short-to-shorter days.

   I need a plan.  A commitment to pausing.  I need to remind myself to take stock of the smells and tastes and joys of the season.  It helps to have Boot Camp.  The soreness in my muscles is a physical reminder to pay attention.  I just have to transfer it to my eyes and ears and remind my mouth that these tastes are fleeting.  King salmon fresh from the Columbia, sizzling off the grill; served to friends with a generous dollop of cheesy risotto.  Early mornings in the hot tub, when black-capped chickadees are swarming on the red berried hawthorn tree.

  Focusing on the here and now is hard.  The Fall foreshadows the rush of holidays-baking and socializing, all which takes planning and thought to go smoothly.  To say I am just going to be "in" the moment without considering what this moment needs to carry into the next is a hard one.  But this is the only way to slow it down.  Let go and fall into the moments of Fall.

4th of July

  The 4th has never been my favorite holiday.  Lately I have been thinking a lot about how African Americans feel on the 4th.  Does it really feel like their holiday?  Does history cling to everyone the same?  When do we celebrate "true independence'?  Independence from what?  Women can't exactly claim independence on the 4th of July. 
   What am I teaching our son?   "Yeah, fireworks are cool",  "Bombs bursting in air",  the wealthy landowners are so happy that they can keep their land and their slaves, and not pay taxes to England anymore.  I do need to do a little research on this holiday.  Would be fun to see what is out there about people's different viewpoints.
   We are having friends over.  We will roast chickens over the fire.  Eat and drink well and play yard games.  I am making a berry galette.  Thrown together from our own berries; raspberries, marionberries and strawberries.   I don't have enough of any of them to make a dessert by themselves.  The weather has been lousy.  Hoping for a little sun, and if not that, no rain.  Glad to be on the island, away from the crowds.